Archived Miscellaneous columns

"Professor"-to-"Student" Phrase Book

(appeared for way too long, but is funny nonetheless)

If you get the feeling that professors live in a world of their own, you're right. They even have a language all their own (called "Professorial Inanity"--or "prof-anity" for short) which can in fact be quite disconcerting to the naive, neophyte student. In fact, the resultant miscommunication is the single biggest cause of student confusion and frustration.

Until now.

As a public service, we proudly present the following phrase book that cracks the professorial double-speak code and lays bare the true meaning behind those impeccably precise quotes. As you will see, your profs are saying the same old things you've heard a thousand times before--just in nicer words. Behold . . . When professors say this . . . They really mean this!

	This needs some minor revision. I never actually got around to reading this.
	My office hours are by appointment only. I like to screw out of here early.
	Ten percent of your grade is based on class participation. I'll be fudging your grades.
	This won't be on the test. Nap time!
	Bring the text to class. I don't have a clue how to lecture--we'll just kill time with group read-alongs.
	He's not fully up to speed on that. He's got his head up his ass.
	I don't have the latest department guidelines. . . I've got my head up my ass.
	Let's check with Dr. So-and-so on that before we proceed. . . I've got my head up HIS ass.
	Not much is known about . . . I don't know anything about . . .

	We'll be spending a fair amount of time on this important concept. This was my dissertation topic.
	Talk to the department secretary. Piss off.
	Talk to me in my office after class. Get out of my face.
	The tests will all be multiple-choice. I take questions directly from the study guide and have grad students do all my grading.
	Don't come in late during my lecture. I have the attention span of a fruit fly.
	Save your questions until the end. See above.
	The final will be comprehensive. I'll expect you to recapitulate in two hours everything I couldn't fully cover myself in 15 weeks.
	Everyone will prepare in-class oral presentations. This course is outside my specialty--I'll just bluff it and let YOU teach.
	There are two TAs available to help you. I can't be bothered.
	This year I'll be scaling the grades. I just passed tenure review.
	Let's break up into quiet discussion groups. I have a hangover.
	Let's have class outdoors today! I had beans for lunch.
	You won't be able to sell the text back to the bookstore. My contract wasn't picked up.
	Hmm . . . What the fuck?
	Well, that answer would be beyond the scope of this course. I haven't a clue.
	Ha, ha . . . That was supposed to be funny . . .
	Please note the last day to withdraw. The midterm's gonna suck.
	The answer to number 4 is "b," and just skip number 17. I only got around to making up the test last night.
	The second list is optional reading. I have a rich fantasy life.
	I haven't had a chance to make up the syllabus for this course yet. The department chair stuck me with teaching this course at the last possible minute.
	Well, it was on the syllabus. I'll hold you responsible for this even though I forgot about it myself.
	We'll just skip the term paper this semester. There wasn't enough in the budget for a TA.
	Bring a number 2 pencil to the exam. See above.
	Attendance is required and will be counted in your grade. I'm so boring that no one would show up otherwise.
	Read chapters 5 through 10. I'm not coming in at all next week.
	We'll have to cover this chapter quickly. I screwed up the lecture schedule.
	Let's go over the exam. Half of you failed.
	It was in the textbook. I pulled it out of my ass.
	Extra credit is available I need some shit work done.
	I'm postponing today's exam. There's stuff on the exam I forgot to cover.
	Don't write on the question sheet. I'm so lazy I just use the same exams every semester.
	Next time we'll see a film. I ran out of lecture material.
	Don't worry, that won't be on the exam. Ask someone who gives a shit.

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"Professor"-to-"Student" Phrase Book

Until now.

This needs some minor revision. I never actually got around to reading this.

My office hours are by appointment only. I like to screw out of here early.

Ten percent of your grade is based on class participation. I'll be fudging your grades.

This won't be on the test. Nap time!

Bring the text to class. I don't have a clue how to lecture--we'll just kill time with group read-alongs.

He's not fully up to speed on that. He's got his head up his ass.

I don't have the latest department guidelines. . . I've got my head up my ass.

Let's check with Dr. So-and-so on that before we proceed. . . I've got my head up HIS ass.

Not much is known about . . . I don't know anything about . . .

We'll be spending a fair amount of time on this important concept. This was my dissertation topic.

Talk to the department secretary. Piss off.

Talk to me in my office after class. Get out of my face.

The tests will all be multiple-choice. I take questions directly from the study guide and have grad students do all my grading.

Don't come in late during my lecture. I have the attention span of a fruit fly.

Save your questions until the end. See above.

The final will be comprehensive. I'll expect you to recapitulate in two hours everything I couldn't fully cover myself in 15 weeks.

Everyone will prepare in-class oral presentations. This course is outside my specialty--I'll just bluff it and let YOU teach.

There are two TAs available to help you. I can't be bothered.

This year I'll be scaling the grades. I just passed tenure review.

Let's break up into quiet discussion groups. I have a hangover.

Let's have class outdoors today! I had beans for lunch.

You won't be able to sell the text back to the bookstore. My contract wasn't picked up.

Hmm . . . What the fuck?

Well, that answer would be beyond the scope of this course. I haven't a clue.

Ha, ha . . . That was supposed to be funny . . .

Please note the last day to withdraw. The midterm's gonna suck.

The answer to number 4 is "b," and just skip number 17. I only got around to making up the test last night.

The second list is optional reading. I have a rich fantasy life.

I haven't had a chance to make up the syllabus for this course yet. The department chair stuck me with teaching this course at the last possible minute.

Well, it was on the syllabus. I'll hold you responsible for this even though I forgot about it myself.

We'll just skip the term paper this semester. There wasn't enough in the budget for a TA.

Bring a number 2 pencil to the exam. See above.

Attendance is required and will be counted in your grade. I'm so boring that no one would show up otherwise.

Read chapters 5 through 10. I'm not coming in at all next week.

We'll have to cover this chapter quickly. I screwed up the lecture schedule.

Let's go over the exam. Half of you failed.

It was in the textbook. I pulled it out of my ass.

Extra credit is available I need some shit work done.

I'm postponing today's exam. There's stuff on the exam I forgot to cover.

Don't write on the question sheet. I'm so lazy I just use the same exams every semester.

Next time we'll see a film. I ran out of lecture material.

Don't worry, that won't be on the exam. Ask someone who gives a shit.

This needs some minor revision.
I never actually got around to reading this.

My office hours are by appointment only.
I like to screw out of here early.

Ten percent of your grade is based on class participation.
I'll be fudging your grades.

This won't be on the test.
Nap time!

Bring the text to class.
I don't have a clue how to lecture--we'll just kill time with group read-alongs.

He's not fully up to speed on that.
He's got his head up his ass.

I don't have the latest department guidelines. . .
I've got my head up my ass.

Let's check with Dr. So-and-so on that before we proceed. . .
I've got my head up HIS ass.

Not much is known about . . .
I don't know anything about . . .

We'll be spending a fair amount of time on this important concept.
This was my dissertation topic.

Talk to the department secretary.
Piss off.

Talk to me in my office after class.
Get out of my face.

The tests will all be multiple-choice.
I take questions directly from the study guide and have grad students do all my grading.

Don't come in late during my lecture.
I have the attention span of a fruit fly.

Save your questions until the end.
See above.

The final will be comprehensive.
I'll expect you to recapitulate in two hours everything I couldn't fully cover myself in 15 weeks.

Everyone will prepare in-class oral presentations.
This course is outside my specialty--I'll just bluff it and let YOU teach.

There are two TAs available to help you.
I can't be bothered.

This year I'll be scaling the grades.
I just passed tenure review.

Let's break up into quiet discussion groups.
I have a hangover.

Let's have class outdoors today!
I had beans for lunch.

You won't be able to sell the text back to the bookstore.
My contract wasn't picked up.

Hmm . . .
What the fuck?

Well, that answer would be beyond the scope of this course.
I haven't a clue.

Ha, ha . . .
That was supposed to be funny . . .

Please note the last day to withdraw.
The midterm's gonna suck.

The answer to number 4 is "b," and just skip number 17.
I only got around to making up the test last night.

The second list is optional reading.
I have a rich fantasy life.

I haven't had a chance to make up the syllabus for this course yet.
The department chair stuck me with teaching this course at the last possible minute.

Well, it was on the syllabus.
I'll hold you responsible for this even though I forgot about it myself.

We'll just skip the term paper this semester.
There wasn't enough in the budget for a TA.

Bring a number 2 pencil to the exam.
See above.

Attendance is required and will be counted in your grade.
I'm so boring that no one would show up otherwise.

Read chapters 5 through 10.
I'm not coming in at all next week.

We'll have to cover this chapter quickly.
I screwed up the lecture schedule.

Let's go over the exam.
Half of you failed.

It was in the textbook.
I pulled it out of my ass.

Extra credit is available
I need some shit work done.

I'm postponing today's exam.
There's stuff on the exam I forgot to cover.

Don't write on the question sheet.
I'm so lazy I just use the same exams every semester.

Next time we'll see a film.
I ran out of lecture material.

Don't worry, that won't be on the exam.
Ask someone who gives a shit.